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“Four Kinds of Marriage: Which is Yours?”
In August of 2009, many of the couples at the Temple participated in a five session marriage seminar taught by orthodox rabbi, Shimon Kessin. Rabbi Kessin is a licensed family counselor who has helped hundreds of couples improve their marriages. Although the rabbi was only present on a previously recorded CD, what he shared was life and marriage-changing for many present.
The first of the three types of marriages the rabbi described, he called “corrosive marriages.” These are the ones in which both partners tear at each other. Such marriages almost always end in divorce. In the second category of marriage, the husband and wife have arrived at a “shalom,” or peace, marriage. Basically, they have learned to live parallel lives, often with separate interests and separate friends. Although there is peace in the home, they are more like roommates than husband and wife.
In the third category of marriage, couples achieved “shalom,” and “simcha,” or JOY. This is what God intended marriage to be. However, it seems only a small percent of marriages achieve this status. Perhaps you are wondering: Why don’t more couples reach this stage? The rabbi’s answer is that they have never discovered the two skills needed to be happily married. First, they have collected “hurts” because they have never learned to communicate that they have been hurt. Secondly, they have never learned to adequately apologize when they have hurt someone.
While I agree that the skills Rabbi Kessin described are vital to any marriage, he has left out the three crucial factors the Bible describes for successful marriages. The most important of these is found in chapter five of the letter to the Ephesians which states, “...submitting to one another in the fear of God” (5:21). This first principle tells us that BOTH husband and wife are to submit to God. As they each draw closer to Him, they will draw closer to each other.
The second principle follows in the next verse, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord” (5:22). Unfortunately, in many marriages, the husband wants this rule applied before the one in the previous verse. That just doesn’t work because it puts the husband on the throne, instead of God. It also makes it impossible for the third principle to be applied, namely, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Messiah also loved the church [His Bride] and gave Himself for her...” (Ephesians 5:25).
When couples commit themselves to developing the two skills identified by Rabbi Kessin, and apply the three spiritual principles of Ephesians chapter five, their marriages will become characterized by both shalom and simcha, along with the blessing and presence of God. This is the fourth kind of marriage and the one that God desires for you.
When you read this article, Jamie and I will be celebrating our 39th anniversary. I can tell you with all integrity that our marriage is better today than it was at the beginning, and we are more in love today than we were when we got married on February 7, 1971.
Remember, the place for romance is in marriage. Allow the Lord Yeshua, your Heavenly Bridegroom, to romance you.
Shalom in Yeshua’s love,
Rabbi Neil
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